Photographer and nouveau blogger Sonja Shield–who reports her Brooklyn Ramblings blog was just released from “Blogger Robot Prison” on the same site that hosts Gowanus Lounge–digs into the Gowanus Whole Foods site and offers a thoroughly researched and sobering analysis of just what is inside the oozing hole in the ground at Third Street and Third Avenue. Click over to Sonja’s blog to get all the unsettling details. We will simply summarize by saying that among the tasty treats in the soil and water are Naphthalene (an ingredient in mothballs and “possible” carcinogen) and something called Xylene, a “toxic chemical that can cause dizziness, confusion, and problems with balance at high levels.” (Can someone pass the Organic Ginger Miso Dressing, please?) Many contaminants have been removed and the rest are deemed okay to remain as they’re underground. “There have been a number of spills and environmental contaminants in the vicinity of the proposed Whole Foods lot since 1978, the first year of DEC’s on-line database,” Shield reports.

Best of all, Shield has created the absolute must-read Map of the Day: A “Dirty Gowanus” map (pictured above) that shows some of the unappetizing issues near the Whole Foods site. We especially love the “volatile organics” at Third and Third in ’96–what’s that, like, flammable arugula and explosive bok choy?

While we don’t like dumping on our favorite canal or its environs, all we can say is: Bon Appétit.

Note to Self: Maybe the Park Slope Food Coop shouldn’t be written off as dead just yet.

By today, the mini-tempest in a teapot over the statement quoted in yesterday’s Daily News that was made by Develop-Don’t Destroy Brooklyn’s Daniel Goldstein may already have blown over. (Or, maybe not.) Goldstein was quoted in a News column referring to “wealthy white masters” of Atlantic Yards supporters. Goldstein immediately apologized, saying the statement was taken from an email and “wholly out of context.” He writes, “I did not say that African-American supporters of Forest City Ratner’s proposal are tools of their ‘white masters.’ I certainly realize that the remarks I made were racially charged and easily misconstrued.”

We’re still unsure of exactly what was said, except we know that it shouldn’t have been said, especially because it injects an ugly tone to Atlantic Yards fight.

The truly interesting part, though, is that a press release attacking Goldstein’s claims was quickly distributed by Berlin/Rosen Public Affairs. (Their website is currently just a “coming soon” page.) The release included a repudiation of Goldstein’s comments by a number of Atlantic Yards supporters. In the release, Rev. Al Sharpton, is quoted as saying, “I’m not sure where Mr. Goldstein is from or the environment in which he grew up, but the people of Brooklyn find this kind of mindless and racist language insulting. How dare this young man invoke the language of slavery to insult African-Americans who support a project that will provide jobs and affordable housing?”

Berlin/Rosen Public Affairs is the firm of Jonathan Rosen and Valerie Berlin, two very well respected Albany legislative staffers who departed last year to form their own political consulting and public affairs company. Mr. Rosen has been quoted in the past as an “ACORN spokesman,” and the low-income housing advocacy group is one of those that signed the community benefits agreement. So, Berlin/Rosen is connected to the pro-Atlantic Yards faction?

You would hope that given all the very real issues associated with Atlantic Yards, that this detour onto the Low Road is short lived. Or, perhaps, given the high stakes of the game, it is only a preview of what is to come.

If you live in Brooklyn, chances are that at some point you have seen the “Original Mike’s” grinding truck. Time was, a lot of trucks that did grinding and sharpening were on the street, with their bells ringing to get everyone’s attention. Now, there aren’t so many of them. We caught up with “Original Mike’s” in Fort Greene where the sparks flying from the grinder caught our attention, not to mention the guy running down the street wielding a humongous knife. In one context, cause for significant alarm. But in this case, just a person who wanted to sharpen his knife. Everything, after all, depends on the context.

The weekly email update from the Empty Vessel Project, a World War II Navy rescue boat being painstakingly rehabilitated in the Gowanus Canal and used as a community performance and learning space, had some interesting hurricane-related historical info. The writer culled it from Brooklyn Public Library‘s online archive of the Brooklyn Eagle. Gowanus Lounge figures that it’s in keeping with one of our unhealthy obsessions: the A Killer Hurricane hitting New York (as distinct from our ongoing concern about Bird Flu).

How does Hog Island fit into this? It was a a mile-long barrier island off the Rockaways that was a playground for Boss Tweed and other Tammany Hall pols. The island was badly damaged (Karma?) by the West Indian Monster of 1893, a Category 2 hurricane that scored a direct hit on Brooklyn and Queens:

On the night of August 23, 1893, a terrifying Category 2 hurricane did strike New York City. It hit land in the marsh that is JFK Airport today and began the erosion of the low-lying resort…All six front-page columns of the August 25, 1893, New York Times were dedicated to the “unexampled fury” of the “West Indian monster.” The storm sunk dozens of boats and killed scores of sailors. Everything below Canal Street was under water. In Central Park, hundreds of trees were uprooted…The brand-new Metropolitan Life building on Madison Avenue was severely damaged when a heavy-iron fence was torn away by the wind, plunging 10 stories and crashing through a stained-glass dome before landing on a mosaic “including quantities of costly Mexican onyx.”

A 30-foot storm surge swept across southern Brooklyn and Queens, destroying virtually every man-made structure in its path. In Brooklyn, at Wyckoff and Myrtle Avenues, “the water in the street was up to a man’s waist,” and residents used ladders to get in and out of their houses. Most of the boats moored at the Williamsburg Yacht Club were “sunk, driven ashore or demolished.” The East River rose “until it swept over the sea wall in the Astoria district and submerged the Boulevard.” At Coney Island, 30-foot waves swept 200 yards inland, destroying nearly every man-made structure in its path and wrecking the elevated railroad.

Hog Island was seriously eroded by the West Indian Monster. Then, in 1896, a storm cut a new channel through it, and by later in the year it had been reduced to “small patches of sand covered with a few feet of water when the tide receded at daylight.” By 1898, no more Hog Island.

The colorful map above show that everything coastal would pretty much be toast in that part of Queens in a hurricane. (Brooklyn too.) Now, what was that we’re supposed to be keeping ready? Oh, yeah, a Go Bag.

Over at Curbed, Lockhart Steele dug around the newly-launched One Brooklyn Bridge Park website and found a wealth of new images and renderings. (One Brooklyn Bridge Park is the Jehovah’s Witness building at Fuhrman Street now surrounded by scaffolding at street level.) Last week, of course, the Port Authority turned over most of the property on which the park will be built to New York State. And, Robert A.M. Stern’s firm is currently working on design guidelines for the controversial developments that will finance the park. There is a lawsuit challenging development plans, too.

In any case, the new drawings and website will be of interest to anyone trying to develop a mental image of what the park and waterfront will look like when all the construction is finished. Interestingly, they do not many hints of any other development that will be part of the park project, namely a 17-story building, several other buildings of 6-10 stories and either two 20-story buildings or a 30-story building and a 14-story building at Atlantic Avenue. If you want to know what Brooklyn Bridge Park will look like with those buildings as part of the picture, you will have to continue to use your imagination. The One Brooklyn Bridge Park building appears in the drawing below.

We stray from heavy items about neighborhood development and such for a moment to note that there have been a couple of recent posts over at Daily Heights and Daily Slope about gross and nasty conditions at a Key Food and at the Pavillion Park Slope movie theater (which is rumored again to possibly be closing). These entries got Gowanus Lounge to thinking about the NYC Health Department online database of restaurant inspections results, and to taking a look through them. (They are both illuminating and the best argument you will find for staying at home and cooking. Every meal. Forever.)

By doing this, we discovered that Tuk Tuk on Smith Street recently scored one of the nastiest ratings from the Health Department in all of Brooklyn. We take no pleasure in saying this, even though we haven’t been to Tuk Tuk in a while.

More about that in a moment. First, from Daily Slope, some disgusting info about the Pavillion, from someone that worked there (granted it’s only a movie theater, but still, it’s too icky to pass up):

For some reason unknown to me, there were pigeons living in the stock room. Ask yourself this: If you were the manager, and you found small holes bitten in to a sack of popcorn seeds, would you throw out the whole sack? The first time I met the exterminator I was glad when he left the theatre empty handed, until the next time he showed up and removed a garbage bag filled with dead rodents. Believe me, there are worse things to worry about than small screens at the Pavilion.

Over at Daily Heights, meanwhile, there’s this review of the Key Food on Washington from someone who slipped on some slime on the floor:

The freezer isn’t working at all, so be wary of their frozen foods until they get it fixed (and, presumably, until any of the food that’s in there right now is all gone). I reached in and the air inside was downright muggy, and the package of “frozen” shrimp I picked up (and quickly put back down) felt like it was full of warm liver.
Gross. I’m calling FreshDirect next time.

Now, about the Health Department database, which is a gem, because you can sort by borough or zip code or simply look up your favorite eatery. Try it for, say, Park Slope or Carroll Gardens. Or, even better, check out the listings by violation points (the higher the number, the more things you don’t want to know about). By doing this, for instance, we found that Tuk Tuk, the Thai eatery on Smith Street, snagged a monstrous 87 points (one of the highest totals in all of New York City) on May 23. (The average restaurant in New York scores 13. When you hit 28 they start giving you a hard time. When you get into the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s it’s time to say your prayers and think about finding a new favorite place.) A score of 87 points is not a bunch of pesky technical violations. The Dept. of Health nailed Tuk Tuk on 15 different counts from evidence of mice to the old standby of food being stored at unsafe temperatures. Yes, the violations are probably all corrected, still…

Have a gander, the odds are your favorite eatery has not faired well at some point in the last 24 or so months. You can always take comfort, we suppose, in the hope they’ve turned over a new leaf since the Health Department came around.

This wonderful specimen comes to us from Grand Street, just a few steps from Berry, in Williamsburg. It was parked outside the new Passout Record Store, at 131 Berry, which opened this weekend. There was a pretty rocking Sunday afternoon party going on with World War IV and other bands. We’re guessing the van belonged to one of the bands or, maybe, to the store. Seems like a very cool spot to cop punk, garage and other genres of music.

cartier-bresson anyone? HA, originally uploaded by e-liz.

This isn’t a Brooklyn photo, per se, but an honorary one, because it’s right at the L Train stop in the East Village. This superb photo was shot by Elizabeth Weinberg, who posts on flickr as e-liz, during one of the deluges on Friday. (Check out her excellent site, burntsienna.nu.) Even though it’s now Sunday, the pic is still in keeping with the wet and gray tone of the entire weekend, and GL couldn’t pass it up, because it’s just that good.

With the Fairway in Red Hook now open, you can finally get up close to the trolleys that have been sitting at the end of Van Brunt Street for years. (At least, depending on what sort of mood Fairway and New York Water Taxi employees are in. Both tend to be a bit mercurial in this regard. Some days you can wander around and other days you can’t.) In any case, this is the sad state of these trolleys. At one time, they were covered in tarp to protect them from the elements and vandals, but no longer. The trolleys are left over from an effort to show the value of light rail transit in Red Hook. The city Department of Transportation ended the experiment in 2003 and even ordered some of the demonstration tracks covered over. (Burying trolley tracks, after all, is a grand Brooklyn tradition.) Gowanus Lounge admits to being a bit obssessed with trolleys-light rail being a solution to Red Hook’s isolation from subway lines. We offered a bit of background on the issue the other day.

We captured this image on Wythe Avenue in Williamsburg in a window of a building that is currently without Andres Escobar designer kitchens and signs outside proclaiming it the cutting edge of hip luxury and urban serenity. We doubt that people putting down $1 million for a condo would put up with a drawing of a female picking her nose, but who knows, really? Maybe they’d have a sense of humor about turning the Burg into Battery Park City. Ah, well, no sermons about supersizing the Burg on this Sunday morning. We will simply note that we call this Mining for Gold in Billyburg.

The Red Hook Waterfront Festival yesterday absorbed much rain, but Officially Hip Red Hook drew a crowd on a Saturday that featured the Waterfront Festival, the ongoing BWAC Art Show, the Red Hook-Carroll Gardens artists’ studio tour and, of course, Brooklyn’s new favorite weekend activity, shopping at the Red Hook Fairway. The Waterfront Fest, though soggy, went on, with those manning the booths and tables braving the rain and some of the performances being moved inside.

There’s a new effort to try to tame the Brooklyn no-man’s land known as Grand Army Plaza. Perhaps, at some point, you’ve noticed the wonderfully restored fountain behind Brooklyn’s Arc de Triomphe? Or, maybe, you haven’t, because few people bother trying to cross GAP on foot to get there. Well, the Prospect Park Alliance spent $2 million to restore the fountain, and now they’re joining up with the Grand Army Plaza Coalition to try to find ways to allow the people to cross GAP without becoming one with a car.

The Plaza was designed in 1867 by Frederick Law Olmsted and Calvert Vaux as an entrance to Prospect Park rather than an insane traffic oval. But pedestrian death and Grand Army Plaza have been like hand and glove ever since cars came on the scene. Starting in the 1920s, Grand Army Plaza had a Death-O-Meter that reported pedestrian fatalities on the Plaza and in Brooklyn.

The Grand Army Plaza Coalition held a press conference Friday announcing that it’s hiring Jan Gehl, an “urban quality consultant” from Copenhagen to figure out how to redesign Grand Army Plaza so that you don’t meet your maker trying to look at that fountain. Among the things Mr. Gehl wants to look into are tunnels, low-speed areas, having traffic flow around an “outer ring” and revisiting a 1987 plan to increase pedestrian access that was shelved for lack of money.

In the meantime, how about bringing back the Death-O-Meter and adding some flavor to the Saturday morning GAP Greenmarket?

Okay, so we’re crossing Newtown Creek into Hunter‘s Point, but GL can’t pass up a show called “Real Art=Real Estate.” It’s happening at a collaborative gallery-shop called Art-O-Mat at 46-46 Vernon Boulevard within site of the huge dust clouds emanating from the huge Queens West development in Long Island City. We stumbled into Art-O-Mat, which is full of very cool Long Island City paraphernalia among other things, one cold winter day shortly after it opened last year. The storefront on Vernon Boulevard (AKA “the new Smith Street”) is donated by a local business.

The space contains a small art gallery, which is hosting the “Real Art=Real Estate” show “in response to the way real estate development is transforming our neighborhoods.” The gallery rented wall space to artist ($25 per 14 x 14 inch parcel of “sunny, cozy space with ground floor access).

The show runs through June 25. Hours are from 12-7 on Fridays and Saturdays, and 12-5 on Sundays.

Carroll Gardens residents are getting a little bit more testy about the pace of development and change in their community if recent events are any indication. First, there is rapid turnover on Restaurant Row on Smith Street, and continuing gentrification that forcing out both some of the business that originally gentrified the strip and some of the holdout neighborhood businesses. Then, there are some controversial proposals for developments up to 12 floors on the fringes of the neighborhood.

There is talk of pushing to expand the Carroll Gardens Historic District, which is currently one of the city’s smallest. (It runs between Smith and Hoyt, from Second to Union.) A good account of the discussion is in the Carroll Gardens Courier. Behind the neighborhood upset are instances of buildings being shoehorned into small spaces between existing structures and, in some cases, being built over them. Brownstoner called a notorious case of the latter an “attrocity” and said, it “has to be one of the greatest bastardizations of a beautiful old brownstone we’ve ever seen.”

Neighbors are currently quite unhappy about a proposed 12-story building on Baltic Street between Smith and Hoyt near the Gowanus Houses. The Four Borough Neighborhood Preservation Alliance (4BNA) held a press conference with city officials and developers at the site last Saturday. Interestingly, it was was attended by Robert Scarano, one of the most prolific and controversial Brooklyn architects of the moment, who has nothing to do with the Baltic Street building. Accounts of the session are in the new Greenpoint Star and related by Brownstoner.

None of this, of course, includes the anger of residents over projects like the Carroll Gardens Hell factory to condo conversion on Carroll Street or the new Monster Tower on Luquer Street.

As for the Curry Source on Bergen Street pictured above, we note its conversion to a realty outpost.

Stay tuned.

The War for the Hearts and Minds of Brooklynites vis a vis Atlantic Yards, Ratnerville and Miss Brooklyn opens on a new front on Saturday (6/3) with an oh-so-fun benefit concert for Develop-Don’t Destroy Brooklyn with Dan Zanes and Brooklyn Friends. Time and place is 11 AM at the Hanson Place United Methodist Church at 144 St. Felix Street at Hanson Place. You can get a ticket online or tomorrow at the show.

Hey, why not listen to people dump on Atlantic Yards and its proponents with music? Plus, with the likes of Heath Ledger, Steve Buscemi and Rosie Perez marching in the anti-Ratner parade, you never know who will show up at the Concert Against Ratnerville.

Update: The concert drew 1,400 people to see Dan Zanes, Toshi Reagon and many others. A couple of photos from DDDB are below, including one of Steve Buscemi. Excellent coverage, of course, at DDDB. GL will simply say that 1,400 people coming to a fundraiser on a Saturday morning should be some sign of the extent to which some in the neighborhood aren’t feeling the Ratner-Gehry plans.

With Red Hook being called the next big thing so often that it’s becoming tiresome, and the new Fairway continuing to beckon shopping-starved Brooklynites, the issue of how one gets to Red Hook without an automobile is bubbling to the surface. We noted with interest yesterday that Time Out New York said Red Hook would be the next Williamsburg were it not for the access issue. (This may be a good thing given what is happening in Williamsburg. Us, with Ikea coming, part of Red Hook looks set to become the next New Jersey.)

Some Carroll Gardens residents who want to get to Red Hook to do grocery shopping rather than to be hip are suggesting a shuttle service that would run to Red Hook. New York Water Taxi, which has its headquarters on the water in the neighborhood, has opened its Red Hook stop behind the Fairway–it’s a fun way to get there, but not exactly ideal for grocery shopping, not to mention getting to New York Water Taxi in the first place. The only public transportation option is the B61 bus route (AKA the Hipster Bus from Hell–it runs from Red Hook, through Carroll Gardens and downtown Brooklyn before heading to Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, through Greenpoint and, finally, to Long Island City. How’s that for a Tour Du Brooklyn and Queens? Get a PDF of that intense and zigzagging route and the schedule). On the other hand, you can always take the B61 and blog about the trip, so there’s a silver lining to the cloud. Which reminds us that the B61 also lends its name to a great Red Hook blog called B61 Productions.

Not to go planning and urban policy wonkish on you, but anyone who knows Red Hook knows the rusting carcasses of several trolley cars that have sat behind the building now occupied by Fairway. They were part of a plan by the Brooklyn Historic Railway Association to run a trolley line through Red Hook that would connect to downtown Brooklyn. By 1999, some tracks were laid and renovated trolleys even ran for a few hundred feet on the tracks behind the Fairway. The effort died when the city Department of Transportation withdrew its support, citing financial problems.

Enter Arthur Melnick, an associate of the failed effort, who formed the nonprofit Brooklyn City Streetcar Company in 2002. Melnick has been quietly lobbying for light rail lines in several Brooklyn neighborhoods. Rep. Nydia Velazquez even got $300,000 to study trolley service in Red Hook. Now, with Fairway open, the Todd Shipyard being leveled for the the Swedish invasion, the cruise ship terminal and other developments, trolleys may get a real look. Especially, since they’re being studied as part of Brooklyn Bridge Park too.

For now, you can see the green shells of the 1930s era trolley deteriorating behind the Fairway. Nearly a dozen other historic trolleys were taken away for scrap metal from their storage area Brooklyn Navy Yard last year.

Gowanus Lounge is willing to wager that we’ll be blogging and writing about a Red Hook trolley plan in the future.

Bonus: The tres cool Red Hook Waterfront Festival takes place tomorrow, June 3, from Noon-6PM at the end of Van Brundt Street between the Beard Street Pier and the Fairway. (You can get the PDF Flyer here.) The Red Hook-Carroll Gardens-Boerum Hill Artists’ Studio Tour is June 3 and June 4 from noon-6PM. You can get a map at the ongoing BWAC art show at the Beard Street Pier or click here for a large JPEG of the map via the BWAC site.

The East River may not be pristine (far from it), but it’s a lot better than it used to be. The evidence is all the bird life that has returned and is being shown off by the Audubon Society and New York Water Taxi. Among the birds seen during a preview tour attended by the NY Times: cormorants, egrets, herons and American oystercatchers. They apparently hang out on islands in the river, including North and South Brother Islands, between Rikers Island and the Bronx, and Mill Rock, just north of Gracie Mansion.

The tour includes the mouth of Newtown Creek (our second-favorite body of water in NYC, between Number One–The Gowanus–and Number Three–the East River), the site of that nasty oil spill bigger than the Exxon Valdez. The sunset Audubon eco-cruises will be taking place every Saturday between June 3 and August 5 at 7PM.

From time to time Gowanus Lounge will be posting some of our photos of vans that we encounter in Brooklyn. We found this one, “Jesus is All You Need,” on Brooklyn’s Restaurant Row, Smith Street. We regret that a photo cannot convey the sound of the preacher on the radio that was emanating from within.

Yes, we have beaten this drum several times during the short life of Gowanus Lounge, but since today is the official start of hurricane season (seems like last year’s ended only yesterday), why not do it a bit more? Especially since the consequences of a hurricane scoring a direct hit on, or even come close to NYC, are pretty nasty. Massive flooding and evacuations. Subways full of fish. Most of Lower Manhattan and incredibly signifcant parts of Brooklyn under water. No internet. No cell phones. A Federal government that wishes you luck as you swim for your life. Marty Markowitz assuring us that Brooklyn will get through this. Etc.

Even USA Today gets in on the act by noting today that New York City is very vulnerable to a hurricane.

In keeping with the stated intention of many state and local governments to scare everyone into hurricane preparation, New York City’s Office of Emergency Management has been busy sending out press releases and spiffing up its website. There are Evacuation Zone Maps to tell you what kind of hurricane will turn your place into waterfront property and whether it will be likely that you will have to run for the hills.

Now, the only “Go Bag” we’re familiar with is the one we get after a big dinner so that we can bring lunch to the office the next day. The Go Bag that OEM says we should have contains:

• Copies of your important documents in a waterproof and portable container (insurance cards, photo IDs, proof of address, etc.)
• Extra set of car and house keys
• Credit and ATM cards and cash, especially in small denominations. We recommend you keep at least $50-$100 on hand.
• Bottled water and non-perishable food such as energy or granola bars
• Flashlight, battery-operated AM/FM radio and extra batteries. You can also buy wind-up radios that do not require batteries at retail stores.
• Medication and other essential personal items. Be sure to refill medications before they expire. Keep a list of the medications each member of your household takes, why they take them, and their dosages.
• First aid kit
• Sturdy, comfortable shoes, lightweight raingear, and a mylar blanket
• Contact and meeting place information for your household, and a small regional map
• Child care supplies or other special care items

Sounds like more of a Go Trunk than a Go Bag, but they probably figured that description would be off-putting.

Lest you think this is all silly, (and, yes, the odds aren’t high, but most forcasters put New York City at pretty high risk of experiencing the Big Blow, using words like “bull’s eye”) consider the West Indian Monster of 1893. It featured a 30-foot (about 9-meter) storm surge that razed nearly all man-made structures on its course through southern Brooklyn and Queens. That sort of thing turns most of Lower Manhattan and much of South Brooklyn into Underwater World.

What was it, again, that’s supposed to be in that “Go Bag”?

Of all of the monstrous developments going up or about to break ground in Brooklyn — particularly on the Williamsburg and Greenpoint waterfronts — Gowanus Lounge admits to being nearly obsessed with the horror called Williamsburgh Square.

The project (to the right) has been proposed by a politically-connected firm called Quadriad Realty. Quadriad has several proposals on the table for a site on Bedford Avenue, the most alarming of which includes towers of 38, 36, 20 and 12 stories. (Other versions are less massive.)

Last week, we called it development pornography and the most outrageous development in New York City, so we made sure to take some current photos of the site during our traditional Sunday morning B’burg photo shoot.

While Williamsburgh Square principals like former Rep. and Bronx Borough Presidents Herman Badillo say nothing is final, Shane Miller’s in-depth coverage in the Greenpoint Star pointed out that Quadriad is hoping for approval by the Department of City Planning by August and for the block to be upzoned to allow highrises by May, 2007. (The view inside part of the site, looking from Berry toward Bedford, is below.)

The Quadriad Development Prospectus quoted by Miller refers to continuing an “acquisition program on an ongoing basis” after the “the consummation of the nine initial development acquisitions of Phases I and II.” The most chilling words quoted by Miller come right from Quadriad’s prospectus: The developers believe that the completion of Williamsburg Square will pave the way for “subsequent acquisition and development” in an area bounded by Kent Avenue, the BQE, Metropolitan Avenue and North 11th Street.

Translation: A desire to change zoning and build highrises all over North Williamsburg.

Wow.

Okay, Williamsburg(h), please listen carefully: Head over to your favorite hipster hangout. Have a few brews. Then, sit down. Place your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye.

With all the Red Hook publicity in recent weeks, we were still surprised to find the nabe on the cover of this week’s Time Out New York, along with the blazing headline, Red Hook Has Arrived. First, the Washington Post deemed it so. Then, the NY Post proclaimed it. And, now, the Bible of entertainment and recreation.

One article details “27 Reasons” to visit Red Hook. Another posts 10 more ways to “Get Hooked.” The story does note Red Hook’s isolation from mass transit, and says:

Otherwise, Red Hook might be the new Williamsburg, awash in tapas bars and sleek boutiques. Yet for the past 50 years, the neighborhood has maintained its independence and distinct identity, a down-on-its-luck but scrappy pen-insula isolated from the rest of Brooklyn. Now change is finally sweeping the small quarter. Visitors have long made the trek to drink at Sunny’s and Lillie’s, two nocturnal outposts of good cheer (the latter was closed at press time, at least temporarily), but the area is becoming a destination for inventive bistro cuisine, not to mention art shows, live music, readings, theater and the thriving Red Hook Waterfront Arts Festival. In April, cruise ships began docking at a newly built terminal. A 52,000-square-foot Fairway supermarket opened on the waterfront in mid-May, and a giant Ikea store may arrive by 2008.

Good thing the NYPD did that humongous drug bust a few weeks ago in the Red Hook Houses. (All this hipness might not go well with the crack vials on the ground on Van Brundt Street.)

Okay, enough party pooping. For now, we will resist other unpleasant urges, like opining more on the awfulness of Ikea and simply say, check out the rest of the story, or just get on that B61 and get to the Hook (cool Time Out map below).

Some stories are so foul and awful that they transcend Brooklyn and shift attention from all the sewerage that Atlantic Yards and other developments threaten to let loose into the Gowanus Canal. Today’s Daily News item about efforts to get the City Council to ban “candy cigarettes” is one of them. Candy cigarettes? WTF are candy cigarettes? Clearly, GL has been way out of the tobacco loop since becoming a reformed smoker.

Well, there are such things as candy cigarettes, and they have “Twista Lime,” “Kauai Kolada,” “Beach Breezer” and “Mocha Taboo.” Plus, candy flavors, natch. Bet you can’t wait to taste a “Beach Breezer.” (Apparently, the Camel brand is one of the biggest offenders here. Can you imagine the minds that come up with things like this?)

Do you think this is a subtle attempt to target the kiddies in the never ending quest to make them lifelong tobacco addicts in new and different ways? (Sadly, these smokes are probably so wretched that there would be no need for a ban with adults. They’d ban themselves.)

The American Lung Association held a press conference (with some teenagers) to call for a ban, and a City Council Member, Joel Rivera of the Bronx, rose to the challenge, saying he’s drafting legislation to ban candy-flavored cigarettes. He also introduced a law to raise the legal age for buying cigarettes to 21.

The New York City ban would be a first. Last year, the Chicago City Council (which recently banned foie gras) adopted a menthol cigarette ban, but it was withdrawn for a redraft.

While this might be GL’s Inner Fascist coming out, we think that candy-flavored cigarettes are such a heinous marketing tactic, that a ban just might be in order, even though it could be of dubious constitutionality (but in the Bush Era, what’s a little unconstitutionality?).

You can just see the black market for candy-flavored cigarettes developing.

Yo. Yo. Got Twista Lime Loosies. Check it out.

If the world can have an Axis of Evil, then the Big G deserves an Axis of Cool. These Axis members–three of them right on shores of the Gowanus, and numbers four through seven nearby–define subtle, low-key, cutting edge cool goodness:

Empty Vessel Project–This WWII Navy rescue boat undergoing rehabiltation while moored on the Gowanus presents a range of community-oriented events and offers itself as a free space for readings and more. You can even study French on the water. Located at the foot of First Street on the canal. Check their website for hours.

Proteus Gowanus–Housed in an historic old box factory that was purchased by its resident artists, Proteus is a multi-disciplinary gallery and reading space that offers a regular schedule of Gowanus-oriented events including discusions, tours and readings. There is also a one-room museum with Cold War artifacts and artwork. The cool Proteus space is located at 543 Union, with an entrance on Nevins.

Issue Project Room–Located in a former coal silo that is one of the most intriguing spaces on the shores of the Big G, the Issue Project Room (sort of pictured above) features musical performance, spoken word offerings and more. The gate is located at 400 Carroll Street, right at the magnificent old Carroll Street Bridge.

The Brooklyn Lyceum–The Lyceum is located in the ultra funky space that was formerly Public Bath #7. It hosts film screenings, film festivals, live music performances and other events (including weekend family brunches) in its recently renovated space. (The scaffolding was up for a long, long time.) There’s also a “fast food” outpost of Schnack, a GL fave that is the home of the Schnackie. Report to 227 Fourth Avenue (corner of President) to be cool. Or not.

Rooftop Films–This cool summer series show films, you guessed it, on the roof of the Old American Can Factory at the corner of Third Street and Third Avenue. (There’s also a Williamsburg site on the roof of Automotive High School on Bedford Avenue.) The 2006 season is still being planned. The official address is 232 Third Street, which means that someday rootop films will overlook Gowanus Whole Foods, Gowanus Village and things we can’t even imagine right now.

Center for Spoken Words and Performing Arts–A spoken word and musical performance space and cafe on Fourth Avenue, this venue has a full schedule of events each week. It’s located a few doors down from Union Street at 226 Fourth Avenue.

Monster Gallery and Indie Alley–A thousand square feet of gallery space at 234 Fourth Avenue, a few doors down from the Center for Spoken Words, that hosts exhibitions and other events (like Die You Zombie Bastards parties and screenings) the Monster Gallery bills itself as being in Park Slope, even though it’s most definitely on the Gowanus Side of the tracks. Probably just a ruse to calm the nerves of the uninitiated.

Gowanus Lounge would like to be among the first to welcome a cool new Brooklyn blog to the block. It’s called Brooklyn Ramblings, and it’s from Sonja Shield, whose work might be familiar to GL’s readers and to fans of her photography on flickr, where she posts as shield. The blog has some news about her upcoming exhibition of Brooklyn photos in Providence, RI, that will be held at the Brooklyn Coffee & Tea House. (Nice to see the brand name has hipster marketing appeal outside of NYC.)

Sonja’s abstracts of graffiti and other elements of the Brooklyn streetscape absolutely rock. GL looks forward to seeing her words and photos, and is especially glad to know that she is fond of mapping projects. We know we’re going to be seeing some cool map mashups from Sonja on Brooklyn Ramblings.